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atreyu_cursed
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Name: Jessica
Country: United States
State: Texas
Metro: Houston
Birthday: 9/13/1988
Gender: Female
Interests: listening to music, writing poetry, having fun with people, acting dumb.
Expertise: i love to write alot and i like to express myself by my poetry.... i can do other stuff but there kinda personal...lol.. lying.... being myself. things behind closed doors.... umm....making ppl laugh...and sad at the same time...
Occupation: Student
Message: message me
AIM:  atreyucursedgirl
Yahoo:  metalgodess85
Member Since:
2/16/2005
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| i havent written in this thing in a while, but i need to get all of this out of my system.
Reading back at this blog, seems that i always get myself in the same situations.. losing friends, not trusting ppl.. and in the end, bering heart broken. Its an endless cycle, and its hard to move forward.. when u already know what is going to happen. I didnt know.. this was going to happen.. this time.. i thought things were going to be different.. i still think things are going to be different.
Things were amazing for me, i guess that is why there was no reason to write in here. Usually i wrote here to bitch about my life. Well, im here again..
I made so many mistakes, this past year and i wish i could go back and make them all right. I hate that i ruined something so perfect for myself. I want to go back and fix it. I want to die and start over again and make everything right. I blame myself every day for all the mistakes i did. If i didnt do this, then he will still be with me. If i didnt .. do this.. or that.. things will be fine. I wished i could of said yes on October 31, 2008. How could i be so stupid? Why? I beat myself up all the freaking time.
My love never left.. it was always there. Its still there.. i cant even sleep without dreaming of him. I want to sleep, but i dont want to wake up cuz of the way i feel. I feel like a different person, changed and im willing to wait to show him that. The odds seem to be looking against me. All i can think about is the future.. and i am afraid of what is going to happen. It seems nothing good will come out of it.
I can finally say that my past no longer haunts me, after all these years i can move forward.. but now it seems that is soo far away..
Like the door to my past is closed and im standing in front this long narrow path to the next door that leads to the future.. I am just standing there.. not wanting to move forward.. not wanting to walk that path.. afraid to open that door to the future.. because i dont know what it holds.. Given the current events right now, it doesnt look good for me.. just more pain and sadness. I cant look forward when everything that i want for my future.. is not there anymore.
I want him to realize that i am here for him no matter what.. I will be waiting forever.. because i feel that is the right thing to do..
I always give up on everything.. because.. i hate feeling like this.. feeling so anxious and jittery. I hate feeling alone.. and having no one to comfort me. Im a different person, and i am willing to go through all of this pain on my own.. I dont need help. I rather go to through this pain.. than to find comfort with someone else.. I pushed everyone away from me because i need to deal with this on my own. It hurts and it feels horrible, in the end though it will make me stronger. Sometimes i want to give up.. on everything on myself.. because.. i feel like everyone else has given up on me.
Being with him feels right.. no one else.. i want him to know that.. i want him to know that i love him.
I dont care if i have to wait forever to show him that.. I dont care anymore.
I wont give up.. because my heart wont let me. I cant give up even when everything seems hopeless..
Those memories i have with him, are what keep me going...
I know i made my mistakes, and how deeply sorry i am for them, and how i have to live with them for the rest of my life.. but it has made me a better person and i want to show u that..
I want u to come back to me, forget everything bad about us.. and start over again with me.. because i feel its the right thing.. i feel it. I cant settle for anything less, because i miss everything. You being next to me, kissing me, hugging me holding me. Making ur little noises.. and calling me pandabear. Walking to baskin robbins. Going to the park at night, going to galveston. stealing rickys car and Driving around, wrestling with you. Tickling you. Everything. I want that again.. i know u do too.
I dont want to move forward.. i dont want the new year to come..
i want to go backwards.. and fix everything.. its the only way i could look forward..
i want to stay.. i dont want the new year to come around. I want to stay in the best year i ever had.. where i had everything.
I dont want the new year to come.. where i lost everything..
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"What have I gotten into this time around?"
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| So i went to go see i am ghost, escape the fate and the matches and it was an awesome show.... I guess that is the only thing i love to do that makes me happy, going to shows.. it just so fun to do.
I got to thinking today and i realized that why do things have to change in life? why cant things ever be the same and just stay the same. I dont want this upcoming week to come for the simple fact that i feel like i am going to be stuck in the same situation as i was a couple of weeks ago. I am afraid. Also for the simple fact that its valentines day and its all about love and stuff and right now at this moment ... i dont feel this love. I feel like it has been thrown around too much that is something FAKE!! and maybe just by the people around me or its just me.. I dont know anymore...
Another thing.. i wish i could have my old friends back.... i feel like ive lost him and we used to be good friend but i dont know what happened to him... i guess people are bound to change and like he said " change is inevitable" which sucks cuz it refers back to what i was saying ... why cant things just stay the same..????
Work is boring...
School is boring...
Life is boring...
Ohhh yeah... its back to the drama again at school..... someone came back.. but ... its funny how they are afraid of me... but right now.. i really dont care what happens anymore...
I dont really expect much from people anymore...
I gave up trying...
I am sleepy.. and rambling on...
I like french fries !!
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| Sorry if i havent updated in a while ... i have been really busy with many different things .. in my life. I just have so much stress.. that it just sucks ... grrr!!! So heres i little thing about what i have been going through... hope u enjoy!!
I think i have understood the meaning of life.
Life is about taking risks and by taking those risks you realize whether it was a good decision or not. By doing this we learn from the risks that we take. I am the type of person that never takes risks in my life ever because i am afraid of how it is going to effect my future. Without taking those risks i believe that i will never accomplish anything in life and i am just going to stay stuck in the same place. I have come to the point that i want to take that risk but doing that i might be losing everything in the end. I hesitate. I dont want to hurt people and i dont want to end up getting hurt. I want to take this risk just to have something different in my life. I think this will make me take the initiative in leaving everything behind and start new. At the same time, i feel like i am doing this for the wrong reasons. I dont know what to do anymore. I am like trapped between these two things and i hate it so much. Everything right now has been bleh.. just living life every day... day by day by day and it pretty boring . i am just waiting to leave anywhere but here. I am become bored with everything. but at the same time i am happy with the way things have been eventhough it has been for the better or worse..... I have mixed emotions and i dont know what to do......
How have ya been?
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| i hate it that ppl know ur business wen u dont tell ppl shit........ i am not even in skool and ppl wont leave me alone.......... i love my job and i hate it sometimes....... but watever...
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